Here we are...

I've never been much of a "blogger." The closest thing I have ever had to a blog is Xanga, if anyone remembers that! I have felt called to share more about my life and what the last year or so has looked like for me and my family.

First, I want to introduce myself if you're unfamiliar with who I am personally. I'm Stacie! I'm 30 years old and the wife to Brad and mom to Averie. I am extremely extroverted. I thrive off of being around others. I have always had an extremely bubbly personality and try to be extremely optimistic. I have a passion for loving on others and I love that I am able to do that through my career as a photographer. I love deeply and trust people a little too easily. I try to make everyone happy, which has its pros and cons. I want everyone to like me and I haven't accepted that not everyone will.

I'm passionate about my faith. It wasn't always that way. Over the last year or two, my connection to the Lord and my faith has taken to a whole new level. I have had plenty of opportunities to stray and be jaded at the events that have happened to me but instead, I run closer to the Lord and seek comfort and hope in his promises to us. I say this because I try to have the Lord at the foundation of my business. I love my clients and serve them like the Lord looks for us to love on one another. Loving people is my first priority and spreading God's love. I wouldn't be where I am today without God's grace and guidance through this last year.

My husband and I have tried to grow our family for the last 15 months or so. We got pregnant in September of 2021 after a year of trying. I was shocked. My husband had low testosterone, which we discovered in August, thanks to a Urologist. They prescribed him Clomid and we got pregnant 5 weeks after taking it. We were thrilled, to say the least. We so badly wanted to grow our family and now finally it's happening. I felt great for the first 6 weeks but as soon as 6 weeks hit, I was EXTREMELY sick. Sicker than I was with my daughter, which I found hard to believe. By week 7, I couldn't keep anything down. I had extreme motion sickness and couldn't get out of bed most days due to the morning sickness too. I was MISERABLE. I questioned why I did this to myself, I wasn't able to even take care of my daughter without throwing up. At our 8 week appointment, we received news no one ever expects to find out...

No baby. My ultrasound looked extremely abnormal. We saw no fetus, no heartbeat...nothing. I was pregnant but there was nothing there. My HCG was over 200,000 and we saw what looked like bubbles all over the ultrasound. My doctor explained that I had a molar pregnancy and it needed to be removed ASAP. Before we could even understand what was happening, I had a D&C scheduled for 2 days after. We were escorted out of the doctor's office through a back door so we didn't have to walk through the lobby. We were shocked, speechless, and broken. We called our family in tears of what we had discovered and went home in disbelief. These feelings are still so raw and fresh for me. How is it that we wanted this SO badly and it is so quickly being taken away from me. The next day we had to go back to the doctor for my pre-op. She answered all of our questions and explained what would be happening the next day at surgery. She was worried about how much blood I would lose and explained that if she was losing me during the procedure, then she would have to do a full hysterectomy to save my life. I left that appointment even more broken than before. So now not only have I lost my baby but now I have the possibility of losing the opportunity to even do this again or my life.

The morning of my D&C we received a call that my husband's grandfather had passed away. We went into the hospital miserable, scared, and exhausted. I sat in pre-op, still throwing up and "pregnant." The surgery was 20 minutes and went beautifully. Physically, I felt great afterwards. I had an appetite again and the morning sickness stopped. Mentally and emotionally, I have changed. I am different. A part of me has died with my baby. I will ALWAYS grieve the plans that we had for that pregnancy and that child. We received the chromosome analysis a few weeks later and discovered the fetal tissue indicated we would have had a baby girl. Another blow to my heart. For 8 weeks, I went weekly to the doctor's office for blood draws to monitor my HCG lowering. I hit negative 8 weeks after my d&c and follow up with 2 monthly blood draws to ensure that it remains negative.

This is still VERY fresh for me. This loss and this grief is something that I carry around daily. I had the option to be angry with God and to resent him for putting me through this. But I don't. I know that bad things happen to good people because we live in an imperfect world. God has never promised us that life won't be hard, but he has promised us that he will always be there for us. Through these extremely dark days, I have been given strength and guidance to navigate my grief. I find joy in sharing my stories and helping others who have experienced loss of a pregnancy and baby.

I would give anything to have my baby and to have a healthy pregnancy, but it wasn't the right time for that. I know God will bless us again. I know that he has a plan for us and until then I will wait and pray and worship, even through this valley.

I say all of this because I truly believe you never know what people are going through. I try to be kind to everyone and love on them because they could be battling situations that you will never know or understand. So please be kind...

I cannot wait to see where this journey takes me...

xo

Stacie